I have to come to realize that bullies come in all shapes and sizes. It is not just teenagers calling each other fat, or threatening to beat up the gay kid. Bullying does not stop when you graduate high school, or even college. Some bullies hide who they are by using backhanded compliments, withholding real intimacy, or just making you feel bad about yourself. I have come to realize there are three people in my adult life who have bullied me at one time or another. I don't think they intend to bully. But really who wakes up one morning and decides to be a jerk? There is no excuse for bullying, especially as adults. No adult should ever realize that they have the power to make someone cry because of their words and exploit that. No adult should ever use "friendship" as a reason to make someone feel badly about themselves. No adult should ever go out of their way to make sure someone else feels inferior to them. But, I offer you examples of the bullies who have been present in my life.
Bully A is a middle aged man, charismatic and outgoing, but wheedling and conniving. He swindles people by convincing them they are very important to him, and getting them to do things for him, or give him things. He pats you on the shoulder with one hand, while stabbing you in the back with the other, and somehow manages to convince you it was just a little prick, nothing to concern yourself with. Suddenly, you find yourself lying on the ground bleeding out, he's no where to be found, and no one remembers exactly when you fell over. He manages to either completely deceive people into thinking his is an upstanding citizen, someone you are lucky to know, or he completely makes their stomachs turn, and they are not exactly sure why. He is like a serpent, he might be beautiful and serene lying there on that rock, might even let you handle him, make him a pet, feed and care for him, but watch out because he WILL bite you. If charm and persuasion don't work, he gets nasty. He sees the line, and will tiptoe across it ever so slowly. By the time you realize just how far over the line he's gone, he has moved into your home, set up camp, painted the walls, and put his name on the lease.
Bully B is a blonde haired blue eyed co-ed. Maybe a buck ten dripping wet. She is immature and moody. She collects people, decides which ones are worthy of her friendship, and put the rest in a neat little pile, only to be taken out of storage in case of emergency. You think that maybe you can be a good influence on her, help her to grow up, teach her to be less selfish. You go out of your way to be friendly, and find yourself thinking you are friends. Suddenly you realize that she has been keeping a mental list of your insecurities, of the things she has learned about you that you might not be all that fond of, and she starts to exploit them. First it's just an off-handed comment. You obsess over it, finally managing to convince yourself she didn't mean it the way it sounded. She knows this is happening, she waits for the scab to form, and then she starts picking at it. She will use what you've told her against you. She says things to you to make you feel little. She verbally kicks you till you fall and then stomps all over you in her spike heels. She says horrible things, and when you call her on it, she apologizes for making you feel badly, however he never apologizes for what she actually said. This makes you think that maybe you are the one who is making too big a deal of it, maybe you should apologize. She waits until you are feeling badly about yourself, and then swoops in for the kill. She is dangerous because she looks benign.
Bully C is a hag. She has hated you since the moment she saw you, and she won't say why. She flat out abuses you, and doesn't care who sees it. She will tell you she doesn't hate you, but while she says this her eyes are burning neat holes into your forehead. She doesn't understand why people like you should be allowed to coexist with people like her. She does not try to hide her animosity and laughs when others ask her why she is acting like this. She hates you on principle, and she is bound and determined to make you as miserable as she is. Somehow, she manages to succeed at this, and doesn't let up when you are feeling beat up. She doesn't begin to comprehend the idea of overkill. If she had her way, you would have to wear a dunce cap so everyone would understand the complete idiocy of every single thought you have ever had. You try to be nice at first, but that gets old really quickly. You try to ignore her, but she will not be ignored. Finally you result to snarky comments, and then she can look at every one else with doe eyes and claim to not understand why you are being so mean. Everyone else of course had witnessed her wrath, but is quick to side with her lest she turn it on them.
So ok, be honest, do any of these describe you? Even a little bit? I don't understand what makes people think they can treat others so badly. I admit, I have had my moments of meanness, selfishness, and ingratitude, but I can't remember ever in my life going out of my way to hurt another person. I literally have been reduced to tears by all three of these people, on more than one occasion each, and it leaves me wondering why do we stand for it? If you are being bullied, I'd love to hear about your bully and what you think can be done to overcome such people. And, if you are the one doing the bullying, I say to you that you need to grow up, and start making amends. Don't be "that person" that people are afraid of. Don't be the one causing another person anguish intentionally. Don't be the one person some other adult can't stand to be around. Remember, "Kindness begins with me."
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